Ever since the great philosopher Rihanna claimed she “found love in a hopeless place”, I’ve been wondering where that was. And after four years here, I think I am qualified to say that no – it was not NUIG. Of course, we’ve all gained a plethora of knowledge since our first days here at NUIG, from how to reference in APA format, to how to buy three weeks worth of groceries with 20 euro. Some of us might even say we’ve “found ourselves” here, but very few of us have found love…
Until today! So fasten your seat belts, put your pants on, drink five espressos .. just pay attention, okay? Tull-Meister is here to tell you how to find love, just on time for V-day.
1. Get Swiping
Mammys are always right. Some of you may recall that mine encouraged me to “get on the tinder” way back in October, and I haven’t looked back since. Apart from that accidental date I ended up having with my second cousin (Galway is a small place), Tinder has been a pretty good time for me. Some of you may have even matched me yourselves, and you will agree with me when I say that I am at least 45% better looking, 56% more interesting, and 80% more pleasant on my profile. In the world of tinder, you can be the best fake version of yourself – and swipe through other fake versions of people to your hearts content. A sure way to happiness, and perhaps even to find the one.. So get swiping.
2. Start Striving
If you’re reading this, you are more than likely a millenial, like myself. You were probably born some time between the 80’s and late 90’s, not giving a feck what you looked like. For the first few years of your life you were a screaming snotty mess, wearing bright coloured puffy clothes and eating a stable diet of delicious liga biscuits. Bliss!
You weren’t born caring about your diet, what size you were, what clothes you owned, how big your lips were, how shiny your hair was… but the thing is, you were born into a world that told you that you should care about these things.
That’s right kids, drop those liga biscuits – its time to learn how to measure your self worth. In order to be better, to be happier, to find love … you need to take a good long look at yourself. Then look at a Kardashian. Then look back at yourself. Then sit down. Reflect… Think: how could I look more like this? Slimmer, bigger boobs, bigger lips, shinier hair, a nicer ass, defined cheeks.. the list goes on. So get striving.
3. Pay Attention
It’s Thursday night in Galway. I’m sitting in a bar, flicking my perfectly long and shiny blonde hair. There’s a man oppisite me. A nice one. This is the closest I’ve gotten to a real life date – the fourteen year old girl within me is skipping around with her stupid mullet hair cut.
How did I get here? Simple. I paid attention.
In November, I picked my suitor. November was perfect for me, because the pubs of Galway were a little quieter and my suitor happened to be a happy go lucky bar tender. He also happened to have a penchant for hunky dory crisps and the foo fighters. (Information such as this was gathered on those quiet November evenings, when I saw him eating the buffolo flavour ones, and heard him tell a customer he was going to a foo fighters concert with his girlfriend).
I then proceeded to buy a foo fighters tshirt on ebay, and a years supply of hunky dorys to always have in my handbag.
Next step: stalking his girlfriend on Facebook. She was blonde with genuine eyes. My conclusion: he likes blonde girls with genuine eyes.
Naturally, I dyed my hair blonde. I’m a red head, so there was a transition period where I wore a lot of hats, but I’m almost perfect now – I just need to look into those lip fillers, and be a little slimmer…
It’s Thursday night in Galway, if the barman was single and on the opposite side of this bar, this might be considered a date. If I was given a chance to actually love myself, maybe it’d be easier to find love.
Is it time we stop swiping and striving?