Is This a Date?

The thing is, I’m the kind of person who tends to run away from the task at hand. When I have a Philosophy essay due, I paint my nails and write for fun. When my nail varnish chips and I actually have an article due, I bake cookies and go on dates.

That’s right, in the midst of all this Christmas exam/Donald Trump angst, in the classic style of Tull-Meister, I have found a distraction, a new focus – the dating scene.

Although, let’s be real, it’s not actually “the dating scene”.  Is it?

It’s just hanging out. Only a coffee. A quick spin to the prom. A quiet drink. It could even be just a work thing… Very casual. And first date things, first: you must not cross these casual lines. You must not try to figure out what it really is. No seriously, take it from Tull-Meister. The 72 hours prior to your meeting must be consumed with wonder.

What is this? What is coffee really code for? What do I wear? What is the meaning of life?

Listen, just embrace this anguish, don’t give in to it. Don’t request that the other person signs a contract stating they are someway romantically interested in you, and that they can offer a money back guarantee… (trust me).

If you happen to do this, and your date falls through, don’t panic, Tull-Meister is here to offer you tips on how to bag another.

It’s pretty simple, all you need to do is find somebody you have something in common with. For example, my most recent date had ears… just like me! I broke the ice by asking him could he wiggle them. (He could, so I should have known from the outset that he was much too intricate for me).

Just like the time I went for “just a drink” with the guy who knew all about wine. His knowledge seemed attractive at first, but trying to keep up with him was too complicated. At one stage he handed me a glass of red, I sniffed long and hard and feeling like a pro I told him I could smell “blackberries and spices” … “That’s just the candle”, he pointed at the candle between us. I nodded, gulping the blackberry and spice until I felt warm and fuzzy and everything was hilarious and I thought I’d better ask if Mr. Wine could wiggle his ears.


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Which brings me to my next tip about the dating scene. Now, it might sound like mammy-ish advice, but let’s face it, mammy’s are usually right… Don’t get drunk! It’s not cool, and it puts you in a vulnerable position. I mean, what is the best way to tell if your date is a crazy person? That’s right, there is none. So stay safe out there, and make sure to let a friend know where you are.

If ear wiggling and wine tasting isn’t up your street, suggest to your date that you do something else that seems slightly bearable to you. Do not, under any circumstance, suggest that you partake in an activity you enjoy. For instance, I enjoy wearing a onesie and covering my face with sudocreme while I read women’s fiction. Apparently, the date I had last Thursday night, does not. A key tip is to keep it boring.

If your first date is sufficiently boing, and a second date is agreed upon, you must be prepared. That is why, for the first date, I would suggest investing in a notebook. That way, you can take note of the other persons likes, dislikes, qualities and mannerisms, and memorize them. I mean, dates are basically interviews, so it only makes sense to do this.

If a second date doesn’t seem to be in the pipeline, don’t panic. Take a seat. Laugh at the wiggling ears. Drink the wine. Enjoy the interview process.


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